PALIN PRESS CONFERENCE PANIC
Ex-Governor Escapes Handlers, Eats Human Child
FAIRBANKS, AK--
In a move that surprised even her staunchest supporters, Sarah Palin, the recently-resigned Governor of Alaska and former candidate for the office of Vice President of the United States, went drastically off-script during a press conference this morning, devouring a nearby toddler before her bodyguards and attendants could bring her down and return her to her specially-outfitted tour bus.
Palin had appeared at a makeshift podium ten minutes before the conference was scheduled to begin, launching into a disjointed monologue in which she criticized "The Media," "Big-Government Washington Elites," and a group she referred to only as "Hollywood Types." After roughly six minutes of the tirade, when Palin was in the middle of an extended football metaphor whose full meaning will probably never be understood, an unidentified boy, approximately three years of age, wandered up near the podium, apparently chasing some kind of flying insect. At this time, several men in suits could be seen hurrying across the parking lot behind Palin, yelling and gesturing enthusiastically, but ultimately to no avail. Upon seeing the boy, Mrs. Palin stopped her speech mid-sentence and stared at the youngster for several seconds, appearing to salivate quite freely. Behind her, one of the men--all of whom were now running at a full sprint--yelled "No, Sarah, not here!" But he was too late to prevent what happened next.
Palin, her eyes rolling back into her head, then appeared to unhinge her lower jaw and bend at the waist toward the boy, her gaping maw engulfing his head and shoulders completely. The child's legs could be seen kicking wildly as Mrs. Palin, in the words of one onlooker who declined to be named, "tipped her head back and snapped the little guy down like a pelican eating a fish." The whole business was apparently over in a matter of seconds, and the former Governor was promptly immobilized and subdued by her security detail through the use of several powerful tranquilizer darts, a substance known colloquially as "Bear Mace," and a large net launched from some kind of portable cannon.
A press release from the former Vice Presidential candidate's publicity team made no mention of the specifics of the incident, alluding only to "[an] unfortunate misunderstanding due in part to the former Governor's recent switch to a more powerful, and newly bi-focal, eyeglass prescription," going on to state that Palin is "still a Real American Woman, still committed to fighting for Change and Freedom and American Values," and concluding with a plea that "the Media [...] try to concentrate on the real issues."
Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele declined to comment specifically on the incident, but did issue a statement echoing some of the concerns of the press release, stating that "hopefully, people will ignore the Liberal Media's Noise Machine and remember that Mrs. Palin is a mother of five, and continues to be a shining example of where we hope this Party is headed in the future."
